Disclaimer before you read: I am not perfect by any means. I cry watching Superbowl commercials, I snort when I laugh, and most of the times when I try to form words out of my thoughts, things get jumbled up in such a way that the person listening has to play a fun game of "piece that sentence together". On a more serious note, my heart oftentimes becomes clouded and darkened with the things of this world, and my hallelujah becomes a hollow whisper rather than a bold song. Although I have my short comings and may not get a lot of things right, I feel the Lord weighing some words so heavily on my heart to share with anyone who will listen.. or read in this case.
Close to 2 years ago, I started having some health challenges. It started with a funny feeling in my eye which turned to an annoyance, which turned into a daily battle for concentration amidst fatigue. This then turned into weakness throughout the right side of my face down through my neck, spreading down into my right arm and leg and leading to twitching and uncontrollable muscle spams down the right side of my body. I could go into more detail, but let's be real, this isn't a doctor's office and no one wants to read somebody's medical chart on a blog post.
When all of this first began, I wished and wished for it to go away. I prayed often that whatever it was would be relieved from me. No relief came. When things became more challenging, I put my hope in doctor after doctor. Phone calls, brain scans, blood work (so much blood work), co-pays, and appointment cards became familiar to me. Months and months, no relief came. I would get my hopes up and then get a phone call taking that away. Just when I thought nothing could steal my joy, I would walk into the doctor's office with a smile, get frustrating news, and rush out just so I could sit in my driver's seat alone with my head mashed to the steering wheel, hot tears spreading down my face. I prayed. I prayed and talked to God like I never had before.
The intent of this is not to write this dramatic story that makes anyone feel sorry for me.. if that is what you get from reading this, I will be devastated! Keep reading... we're not to the good part yet! Anyways.. Whenever I would come to a place where I felt like becoming bitter or having a heart filled with meaningless complaints, He was with His daughter. He was faithful. This is the good part of the post! He taught me so much about Himself that I would never have learned if I had not gone through this. He taught me a few things about putting my hope in people. Doctors cannot solve everything, they are just people, after all.
"This is what the Lord says: 'Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness in an uninhabited salty land. But BLESSED are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit" (Jeremiah 17:5-8).
Another thing He taught me is a glimpse of what Joy looks like (that's right, folks, Joy with a capital J). Joy that comes from the Lord. I thought plastering on a big smile and being happy were the equivalent of joy. However, once I reached a constant trial, I quickly realized it was not realistic to be happy all of the time. True joy is knowing that there is hope, knowing that the Lord already has victory, and knowing where to rest when difficulty comes. I want to borrow this illustration from a brother I was talking to once. He said to think of joy and happiness like climate and the weather. Joy is the climate of the life of a Christ follower; just because a storm rushes in or the temperature drops, it does not change the climate. Happiness is wonderful and can also be short lived like a weather pattern or a season. Both are wonderful, but they are different. 1 Peter 1: 6-7 says, "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world". When I can think of it this way, instead of being drained, my heart spills over with joy and perfect peace no matter what I am going through!
Please know, dear sister or brother, that the Lord wants you to be intimate with Himself. Psalm 16:11, "You will show me the way of life granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with You forever". Psam 89: 17, "You are their glorious strength. It pleases you to make us strong". Psalm 139:1, "Oh Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me". The truths directly from His word could go on and on. Some preconceived notion I had about God is that He applauded the way I could suck things up and keep going. I have realized that I was so far from the truth. Psalm 51:17, "The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God". He doesn't want you to be fake with Him. You may know that, but I don't think I fully did. Some people think it's wrong to cry because it shows that the situation is having victory over you. False. If you need to cry, cry out to God. Cry because you know the God of the Universe is there to catch your tears. I'm not going to say crying out to Him is not a sign of weakness.. It is. Rejoice in that. When we are weak, we give Him the reins to be strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me". When you become weak and lay it before Him, you are not giving the situation victory... you are bringing the situation to the God who has already claimed victory.
Although I have a zillion and six things to say, and this post has been all over the place, I will wrap it up. My health has not improved, rather it has gotten a bit worse recently. One doctor thought she had figured it out, but I very recently found out was not the case. However, the Lord has used this time to grow me in trust, faith, and intimacy with Him. I would never ever take it all back. Sometimes, He chooses not to answer us exactly as we desire because He has a better plan... in perfect timing. I will continue to pray for healing because I know that the Lord answers prayers. When healing does come.. or whatever relief from your situation looks like...it is different for all of us... how will we respond then? I have found so much closeness in this time of crying out to God, but what about when I am healed and my physical situation does not require me to lean so heavily on the Lord's strength? The Lord says, "I took care of you in the wilderness, in that dry and thirsty land. But when you had eaten and were satisfied, you became proud and forgot me" Hosea 13:5-6. Let that never be us, dear brothers and sisters. Press into the Lord, lean on Him for comfort and strength in the hard times, but when it gets better, praise His name for His goodness and continue to press in rather than becoming satisfied and forgetting Who did the satisfying.
He is good, friends. If you are going through a trial, a struggle, a battle within your own soul, cry out to God. Bring it before His throne. Do not let the enemy try to make you think you are not worth it. "You are more precious to Him than gold".
Also- enjoy this song! It has brought me comfort.
