The Lord has been constantly refining me in my attitudes and daily choices. Over the past couple of years, the Lord has pointed out to me on several occasions that life is made up of choices on my part. God has made the choice to love me, to care for me, to provide for me, and to never forsake me. He promises me that. He promises ALL of us that. Praise God! However, on my end, I have made those same exact promises. But, unlike our Holy Creator, I cannot keep those promises. I struggle so much. I am so guilty.
In the very beginning of August, I began having problems with my right eye. It began with a weird light-headed, constant tugging of my eye feeling like it needed to cross.... just weird stuff going on. I was a little confused. Eyesight was perfectly fine. Continuing to get worse, I went to the doctor. She sent me in for a brain MRI and to have seventeen blood tests drawn. My mind began racing and I instantly thought (with some wonderful help from my good ole' friend WebMD) that this was just the beginning of some long road of brain treatments and radiation (I'm insanely dramatic at times...). The MRI results came back that I had a sinus infection that was effecting my eye. This gave a great bit of consolation to my million-mile-a-minute mind! So I took my antibiotic... no relief. School had started by this point and my focus was constantly light-headed and scattered thanks to my eye that was so greatly effecting every thing that I did. It was hard to sleep, it was hard to look at the board in class, it was hard to have a conversation with someone without feeling like my eyes were constantly crossing. Studying and being on my computer was very difficult. How could this one little blip in my health be effecting me this much? I began to complain.....constantly. Mostly to myself. Giving myself an awful attitude about it. Why was this going on for so long? It seemed like such a insignificant problem was taking a towering position in my life because of everything that it was effecting.
So, fast forward...early September. Same stuff going on. Go back to the doctor. She puts me on a steroid and another antibiotic. While these medications did not help, I realized something while being on them. This small problem was really bringing my spirits down because I was constantly complaining to myself and others about how I was feeling. What did this help? Where did the scripture that I so confidently quoted a couple of months ago? Philippians 2:14 "Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people." Philippians 2:5 "You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had." Philippians 4:6 "Don't worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything". 1 Peter 1:7 "These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-- through your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."
Each of these verses from God's holy and precious word that I had so devoted myself to...seemed to slip away as I began being tested. This small problem with my eye had me losing faith and growing weary. However, our Almighty Father has a wonderful and perfect way of redirecting trials, frustration, and things that we see as useless into the very furnaces that shape us into who we are. As 1 Peter 1:7 says, these trials will show that your faith is genuine. I have the choice to choose to bring glory and honor to God's name in the way that I react to this, and I also have the choice to complain and grumble until the very last ounce of pain leaves my body. Which one will I CHOOSE? It's a daily battle because every morning when I wake up, the problem with my eye is still there. The enemy is constantly feeding me the lie that I am "entitled" to have a bad attitude. It still greatly effects me physically. But I am *FINALLY* able to see what James means when he says, "When troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy." I never really TRULY could understand that before. But in the CRAZIEST way, every time that I feel my eye start to pull and my focus begins to become disoriented, I feel closer to my Living God. My attitude has changed from wanting to cry every time it is causing me pain, to wanting to rejoice and praise God for this chance to grow closer to Him. I know full well, with a burning fire deep in my soul that my Good God is refining me. Even if it's through something as commonplace as an eye.
