Power Made Perfect in Weakness

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore- I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9



It is so against my human nature to rejoice in my own weakness. To highlight the ways I am unable to do things seems so foreign. Usually, my inclination is to hide those weaknesses and highlight the things that I excel in.

This verse has been my reminder over the last couple of weeks. Isn't it beautiful how certain parts of scripture captivate the heart as the Lord reveals it to you?

On Thursday of the week I returned to work, I had a rough day. From the moment my feet hit the floor, it was a challenge. We woke up late to start things out. It was one of those mornings where it felt like every minute had been shortened. I was racing to get ready and Lydia was getting hungry. She lets us know big time when she is hungry! Her screams were getting louder with every passing minute. I had strong surges of guilt run through me as I tried to lay her down in her bouncy seat just to get myself dressed. She screamed harder and louder. I glanced at the clock. It was 20 minutes past when I had aimed to leave but 40 minutes past when she was due to eat. I felt like a failure as a realized I was not meeting my daughter's most basic need and I was about to drive off and be away from her for hours. I ran to the kitchen, made her a bottle, and sat on the living room floor to feed her and wept. Paul came to relieve me but at that point, I couldn't stop the tears. I got ready in blurred vision.

 On the way to work I thought, "All that I have to give right now still isn't enough". My attitude was negative all day as I focused on all the ways I fall short. I'm unorganized, scatterbrained, bad manager of my time, emotional, the list goes on. The enemy was attacking all day long and I was letting it happen.

On my drive home in the afternoon, I FINALLY decided to pray about it. My heart had been so hard all day and I was clinging to that. My sinful heart wanted to be angry and I wanted to feel sorry for myself.

I began by ringing off things I was thankful for. "I thank You for this day." Was I being truthful? I examined the statement. I listed reasons why I was thankful for this challenging Thursday. "Breath in my lungs, a healthy daughter, a loving husband, food to eat, a career...." finally my soul was hit hard. Tears stung my eyes. I realized I was thankful for that day because I was forced to come to the end of myself. I HAD to rely on God. I did not have the false sense of security in my own abilities that I usually have. I did all I could in my own human strength and failed. God was glorified in my realization that I am not strong enough, only HE is. I was forced to examine myself and recognize my desperate need for GRACE.

I am so thankful for my weaknesses. This has been my heart's cry every day when I feel that I am not enough. It is because I truly am not enough on my own. I am so thankful for that reminder. I am a sinner. I need a Savior. His grace is sufficient. Thank you, Jesus!

When Trials Come Your Way...

Disclaimer before you read: I am not perfect by any means. I cry watching Superbowl commercials, I snort when I laugh, and most of the times when I try to form words out of my thoughts, things get jumbled up in such a way that the person listening has to play a fun game of "piece that sentence together". On a more serious note, my heart oftentimes becomes clouded and darkened with the things of this world, and my hallelujah becomes a hollow whisper rather than a bold song.  Although I have my short comings and may not get a lot of things right, I feel the Lord weighing some words so heavily on my heart to share with anyone who will listen.. or read in this case.

Close to 2 years ago, I started having some health challenges. It started with a funny feeling in my eye which turned to an annoyance, which turned into a daily battle for concentration amidst fatigue. This then turned into weakness throughout the right side of my face down through my neck, spreading down into my right arm and leg and leading to twitching and uncontrollable muscle spams down the right side of my body. I could go into more detail, but let's be real, this isn't a doctor's office and no one wants to read somebody's medical chart on a blog post.

When all of this first began, I wished and wished for it to go away. I prayed often that whatever it was would be relieved from me. No relief came. When things became more challenging, I put my hope in doctor after doctor. Phone calls, brain scans, blood work (so much blood work), co-pays, and appointment cards became familiar to me. Months and months, no relief came. I would get my hopes up and then get a phone call taking that away. Just when I thought nothing could steal my joy, I would walk into the doctor's office with a smile, get frustrating news, and rush out just so I could sit in my driver's seat alone with my head mashed to the steering wheel, hot tears spreading down my face. I prayed. I prayed and talked to God like I never had before.

The intent of this is not to write this dramatic story that makes anyone feel sorry for me.. if that is what you get from reading this, I will be devastated!  Keep reading... we're not to the good part yet! Anyways.. Whenever I would come to a place where I felt like becoming bitter or having a heart filled with meaningless complaints, He was with His daughter. He was faithful. This is the good part of the post! He taught me so much about Himself that I would never have learned if I had not gone through this. He taught me a few things about putting my hope in people. Doctors cannot solve everything, they are just people, after all.

"This is what the Lord says: 'Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future.  They will live in the barren wilderness in an uninhabited salty land.  But BLESSED are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank with roots that reach deep into the water.  Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought.  Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit" (Jeremiah 17:5-8).

Another thing He taught me is a glimpse of what Joy looks like (that's right, folks, Joy with a capital J). Joy that comes from the Lord. I thought plastering on a big smile and being happy were the equivalent of joy. However, once I reached a constant trial, I quickly realized it was not realistic to be happy all of the time. True joy is knowing that there is hope, knowing that the Lord already has victory, and knowing where to rest when difficulty comes. I want to borrow this illustration from a brother I was talking to once. He said to think of joy and happiness like climate and the weather. Joy is the climate of the life of a Christ follower;  just because a storm rushes in or the temperature drops, it does not change the climate. Happiness is wonderful and can also be short lived like a weather pattern or a season. Both are wonderful, but they are different. 1 Peter 1: 6-7 says, "So be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.  So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world". When I can think of it this way, instead of being drained, my heart spills over with joy and perfect peace no matter what I am going through!

Please know, dear sister or brother, that the Lord wants you to be intimate with Himself. Psalm 16:11, "You will show me the way of life granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with You forever". Psam 89: 17, "You are their glorious strength. It pleases you to make us strong". Psalm 139:1, "Oh Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me". The truths directly from His word could go on and on. Some preconceived notion I had about God is that He applauded the way I could suck things up and keep going. I have realized that I was so far from the truth. Psalm 51:17, "The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit.  You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God". He doesn't want you to be fake with Him. You may know that, but I don't think I fully did. Some people think it's wrong to cry because it shows that the situation is having victory over you. False. If you need to cry, cry out to God. Cry because you know the God of the Universe is there to catch your tears. I'm not going to say crying out to Him is not a sign of weakness.. It is. Rejoice in that. When we are weak, we give Him the reins to be strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me". When you become weak and lay it before Him, you are not giving the situation victory... you are bringing the situation to the God who has already claimed victory.

Although I have a zillion and six things to say, and this post has been all over the place, I will wrap it up. My health has not improved, rather it has gotten a bit worse recently. One doctor thought she had figured it out, but I very recently found out was not the case. However, the Lord has used this time to grow me in trust, faith, and intimacy with Him. I would never ever take it all back. Sometimes, He chooses not to answer us exactly as we desire because He has a better plan... in perfect timing. I will continue to pray for healing because I know that the Lord answers prayers. When healing does come.. or whatever relief from your situation looks like...it is different for all of us... how will we respond then? I have found so much closeness in this time of crying out to God, but what about when I am healed and my physical situation does not require me to lean so heavily on the Lord's strength? The Lord says, "I took care of you in the wilderness, in that dry and thirsty land.  But when you had eaten and were satisfied, you became proud and forgot me" Hosea 13:5-6. Let that never be us, dear brothers and sisters. Press into the Lord, lean on Him for comfort and strength in the hard times, but when it gets better, praise His name for His goodness and continue to press in rather than becoming satisfied and forgetting Who did the satisfying.

He is good, friends. If you are going through a trial, a struggle, a battle within your own soul, cry out to God. Bring it before His throne. Do not let the enemy try to make you think you are not worth it. "You are more precious to Him than gold".

Also- enjoy this song! It has brought me comfort.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDANXCN5GKo

Engaged...!

Well... today may have been the best day of my life. So, even though I am tired and ready to go to sleep, I wanted to write about it. Today my boyfriend of 3 years asked me to be his wife. I have known that this was going to happen eventually for a very long time, but I was still so in shock when it happened. All of a sudden, being engaged was no longer just an idea or a future dream to look forward to... it was the right now. All of a sudden, it became all about me, all about the ring, the cute story, and the wedding details. Ofcourse I didn't mind repeating myself 6578 times today because I was still on cloud 9 and I would tell anyone who would listen! 

BUT... I want to make sure that I stay on my guard! This is not all about a ring or a wedding.. because in the end even if I got a 10 dollar ring and no one came to our wedding, this would all be about becoming a wife to an amazing man. For the rest of my life. Not one day, or one ring that could get lost. It's what those things stand for. A life-long commitment that is a lot more about the everyday ordinances than the highlight reel. Doing real life together. Serving one another for life... even when it's hard. Showing Christ's love to one another every single day. 

At the end of this eventful, EXCITING day, I am thinking about the type of wife I want to be. Because, I'll tell you what... I've been talking about being a wife since I was a teeny, little girl. So I have this picture in my mind of the wife I want to be, and I think to myself, "What am I doing today that is helping me become that woman I want to be?" Because, I'll tell you what... it's not an overnight transformation! Where is my heart NOW in relationship to where I want it to be LATER. What steps can I take to work on that in the right now? 

Just some things to think about in the next exciting year!! 

So, as cheesy, corny, and mushy as this may sound: I am so excited to get married, to be challenged, to smile, to laugh, to have a chance to show unconditional love, to show and receive much forgiveness, and to live life together with a man that I can trust to lead me in the ways of the Lord! 

Love you, Paul! 

Delighting in Obedience

Isn't it crazy how the enemy can scheme plots against us through things that were meant to glorify God? Recently, I have been on a journey of losing weight, and gaining confidence-- attempting to treat my body the way that God intended me to. When I began this journey last June, I knew that I was doing this for GOD's glory. The months went on, and I began to lose a great amount of weight. Over time, the enemy has crept in and led me to believe that my happiness relies on the number that scale says. How fleeting is that? If I allow my happiness, my joy, my motivation to depend on what a 15$ Target digital scale says... what does that say about where my hope lies? Am I really choosing to rest my sense of security in a number that changes every day?

I find my soul restless. I find my heart searching for something more. That is because I was INTENDED and created to put my hope in an unshakable, unchangeable, unwavering, unmovable God. Why would I choose anything else?

Matthew 19-21. 19 “Do not gather together for yourself riches of this earth. They will be eaten by bugs and become rusted. Men can break in and steal them. 20 Gather together riches in heaven where they will not be eaten by bugs or become rusted. Men cannot break in and steal them. 21 For wherever your riches are, your heart will be there also.

Health is a wonderful thing to focus on. I am so excited about it! However, sometimes we may begin to get to blind-sighted to the fact that these things are only here on earth. Where are your "riches"? Where are you finding your satisfaction? If it is in the number on that scale, I'm sorry sister-- it's not in the right place. "Gather riches in heaven", JESUS says. Oh, how wonderful! We can find our peace not from the way we look in the mirror, we can find our strength- not from how long we can stay on that elliptical, and we can find our hope- not from waking up to step on the scale BUT from our satisfaction of being obedient to our sweet Savior! Yes, I choose Christ.

1 Peter 5:7-8

1 Peter 5:

7 Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you.

8 Keep awake! Watch at all times. The devil is working against you. He is walking around like a hungry lion with his mouth open. He is looking for someone to eat.

There is so much truth in this! How blessed are we as God's people that we can literally just "give" or "cast" our worries on our King? Why is this so absolutely hard for us so many times? I hold on to my worries and cares because "I am not done with them yet". Because they are still mine, and to give them to God is completely letting go... losing grip on that last thread I am hanging on by.

Verse 8 is a warning to us. This one isn't as warm and fuzzy as our first statement, so we skim over. But isn't it beautiful to see the contrast between the two? Good and evil. Since the beginning of time. As Christians, we love to think that God is there for us (rightfully so, it's a wonderful comfort!!). We don't like to think as much, however, about the fact that we have an enemy who is willing to ATTACK us at our weakest points. Right in the knees.

When I don't give these worries to the Lord, they are left as my own. I am left to defend them. To hold on to them with all of my strength, whitening my knuckles with my firm grip. The enemy comes in and tries to devour me. What am I clothing myself in? The armor of God? Not in that moment. All I have to show are my fears and fretting heart. He will attack, and will most likely succeed because these things are weighing me down.

What's the point of this? GIVE IT TO GOD. Give it up! Right now! Whatever is burdening you... you have been offered a way out. Retreat! You do not have to show how strong you are by holding on. Let God hold you. "He CARES for you". Take comfort!

Being Refined.

The Lord has been constantly refining me in my attitudes and daily choices. Over the past couple of years, the Lord has pointed out to me on several occasions that life is made up of choices on my part. God has made the choice to love me, to care for me, to provide for me, and to never forsake me. He promises me that. He promises ALL of us that. Praise God! However, on my end, I have made those same exact promises. But, unlike our Holy Creator, I cannot keep those promises. I struggle so much. I am so guilty.

In the very beginning of August, I began having problems with my right eye. It began with a weird light-headed, constant tugging of my eye feeling like it needed to cross.... just weird stuff going on. I was a little confused. Eyesight was perfectly fine. Continuing to get worse, I went to the doctor. She sent me in for a brain MRI and to have seventeen blood tests drawn. My mind began racing and I instantly thought (with some wonderful help from my good ole' friend WebMD) that this was just the beginning of some long road of brain treatments and radiation (I'm insanely dramatic at times...). The MRI results came back that I had a sinus infection that was effecting my eye. This gave a great bit of consolation to my million-mile-a-minute mind! So I took my antibiotic... no relief. School had started by this point and my focus was constantly light-headed and scattered thanks to my eye that was so greatly effecting every thing that I did. It was hard to sleep, it was hard to look at the board in class, it was hard to have a conversation with someone without feeling like my eyes were constantly crossing. Studying and being on my computer was very difficult. How could this one little blip in my health be effecting me this much? I began to complain.....constantly. Mostly to myself. Giving myself an awful attitude about it. Why was this going on for so long? It seemed like such a insignificant problem was taking a towering position in my life because of everything that it was effecting.

So, fast forward...early September. Same stuff going on. Go back to the doctor. She puts me on a steroid and another antibiotic. While these medications did not help, I realized something while being on them. This small problem was really bringing my spirits down because I was constantly complaining to myself and others about how I was feeling. What did this help? Where did the scripture that I so confidently quoted a couple of months ago? Philippians 2:14 "Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people." Philippians 2:5 "You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had." Philippians 4:6 "Don't worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything". 1 Peter 1:7 "These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-- through your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."

Each of these verses from God's holy and precious word that I had so devoted myself to...seemed to slip away as I began being tested. This small problem with my eye had me losing faith and growing weary. However, our Almighty Father has a wonderful and perfect way of redirecting trials, frustration, and things that we see as useless into the very furnaces that shape us into who we are. As 1 Peter 1:7 says, these trials will show that your faith is genuine. I have the choice to choose to bring glory and honor to God's name in the way that I react to this, and I also have the choice to complain and grumble until the very last ounce of pain leaves my body. Which one will I CHOOSE? It's a daily battle because every morning when I wake up, the problem with my eye is still there. The enemy is constantly feeding me the lie that I am "entitled" to have a bad attitude. It still greatly effects me physically. But I am *FINALLY* able to see what James means when he says, "When troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy." I never really TRULY could understand that before. But in the CRAZIEST way, every time that I feel my eye start to pull and my focus begins to become disoriented, I feel closer to my Living God. My attitude has changed from wanting to cry every time it is causing me pain, to wanting to rejoice and praise God for this chance to grow closer to Him. I know full well, with a burning fire deep in my soul that my Good God is refining me. Even if it's through something as commonplace as an eye.

Disappointment.

Dealing with disappointment is one of my hardest struggles. I find it so easy to praise God and thank Him for everything in my life when things are going great. However, who wouldn't? I feel like there are so many times when I delight in the Lord with all my "heart, soul, and mind" (supposedly), but only when things are going just as I planned. What's wrong with that sentence? The "I planned" part. God has a perfect plan.. one that I cannot see. God takes all of my failures and turns them into something wonderful just for me! However, when I'm in the moment, I find it so hard to see the big picture. I've been continually praying that God gives me the strength to praise Him in the tough times when I'm disappointed. A bad grade on a test, a broken car, a lost wallet. Things that may seem like the end of the world at the moment, but really, these things don't matter. I need to stop, and just give it ALL to the Lord!

Psalm 131 How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?How long will You
hide Your face from me?2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,Having
sorrow in my heart daily? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? 3
Consider and hear me, O LORD my God;Enlighten my eyes, Lest I sleep the
sleep of death;4 Lest my enemy say,“I have prevailed against him”;
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved. 5 But I have trusted
in Your mercy;My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.6 I will sing to
the LORD,Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

David writes this Psalm in desperation for God to come into his life. He does not feel the presense of God through the hard times he is going through. Yet, even in the tough times and struggles, he rejoices in God and praises His name for all that He is. I'm working on praising God at ALL times in my life, because He deserves nothing less! Praise the Lord!